I am at a crossroads.
Standing here, intermediary
I anxiuosly attempt to look down the nefarious road,
squinting my cobalt eyes forcefully,
attempting to see if I can sneak a little peek
towards the future, deplorably longing to know what lies ahead.
But there is no way to tell
the sly obdurate road is smothered in a blank, taunting fog
delicate enough to allow the onlooker to recognize the continuation and tenacity of the road
but purposefully coagulated and impenetrable to the human eye
revealing only
obscurity.
I am at a crossroads.
I look from side to side and the present besieges me
bored with this existence, the familiarity my comfort and my cage
I know I must move.
I am at a crossroads.
Behind me lies my past, the bitter ghost of who I was, inconsolably tagging along
No matter how far I walk down this aphotic road,
it is always there, a part of who I shall be.
It took me ten years of walking to learn that neither circumvention nor delusion
would shake it from me, I am not a snake molting dead skin.
Oh those were the years, running on down the road thinking I hadn't a single problem that could catch up to me...
What ignorantly blissful years those were.
I am at a crossroads.
Shall I run? That's my first instinct.
My mind says, do not think about fear of the unknown, just go for it!
Get it over with.
But no, I won't run.
I've learned that harsh lesson one too many times.
I am at a crossroads.
The only thing left to do...
walk eagerly ahead into the untold,
trust in the lessons I have learned on my journey
knowing that there's no way to tell what shall ensue,
just that I am going somewhere.
12 February 2007
08 February 2007
05 February 2007
mother
For as long as I can recall,
our relationship has been one of control and contrast.
When I do as you like, you are there to take care of me when I am ill, give me advice when I am lost, and comfort me when I'm lonely.
You help me to solve problems that my brain cannot grasp.
This always has to be on your terms. Until now I've followed the unspoken rules.
"Your way or the highway", as they say.
I am now on the highway, since I've veered off the path of what is acceptable to you, driving fast and taking chances.
And you hit me where it hurts the most, you're definitely an expert at it.
Just writing these words has started a war that I cannot win.
I do not believe in wars, or battles, or fights over control.
All of the love, caring, and support you gave me was withdrawn before I could grasp what had occurred. Like a slap in the face I realize that you have already executed your carefully planned attack to make me suffer for my perceived insolence.
I cannot play by your rules anymore, and the relationship we had is slipping away faster than the seconds can tick on the annoyingly loud clock in your kitchen.
It hurts, just as you intended, I feel the abandonment and loss.
Maybe it's for the best.
Trying to live by someone else's unbendable rules just to be allowed in their life is exhausting.
I am extremely exhausted.
our relationship has been one of control and contrast.
When I do as you like, you are there to take care of me when I am ill, give me advice when I am lost, and comfort me when I'm lonely.
You help me to solve problems that my brain cannot grasp.
This always has to be on your terms. Until now I've followed the unspoken rules.
"Your way or the highway", as they say.
I am now on the highway, since I've veered off the path of what is acceptable to you, driving fast and taking chances.
And you hit me where it hurts the most, you're definitely an expert at it.
Just writing these words has started a war that I cannot win.
I do not believe in wars, or battles, or fights over control.
All of the love, caring, and support you gave me was withdrawn before I could grasp what had occurred. Like a slap in the face I realize that you have already executed your carefully planned attack to make me suffer for my perceived insolence.
I cannot play by your rules anymore, and the relationship we had is slipping away faster than the seconds can tick on the annoyingly loud clock in your kitchen.
It hurts, just as you intended, I feel the abandonment and loss.
Maybe it's for the best.
Trying to live by someone else's unbendable rules just to be allowed in their life is exhausting.
I am extremely exhausted.
oh, pure heart
I have been told I am pure of heart,
and that I must protect myself from bad energy that can easily penetrate it
I've experienced this bad energy in many forms. Well meaning loved ones who sap the energy and love and hope out of me. Men who want nothing but my body. Playing the game of life and not following the rules because those I am playing against shall surely win if I do not. Going against my inner intuition and dealing with the consequences.
I have seen scientific evidence of what happens to your body when your are harmed too many times, when you release too many feelings of being afraid, attacked, hurt, lost without a drop of hope left in a vast expanse of endless sand.
It's a very hard thing living a life with an easily penetrable pure heart.
It's like huddling under a tree in the woods, stark and exposed and cold, surrounded by a pack of wolves that haven't eaten in months. How does one arm themselves? How does one protect themselves so they are not eaten alive?
Has the damage been done? Is it irreversible? Has it been too many years and too many hurts? Am I beyond help to the cellular level?
and that I must protect myself from bad energy that can easily penetrate it
I've experienced this bad energy in many forms. Well meaning loved ones who sap the energy and love and hope out of me. Men who want nothing but my body. Playing the game of life and not following the rules because those I am playing against shall surely win if I do not. Going against my inner intuition and dealing with the consequences.
I have seen scientific evidence of what happens to your body when your are harmed too many times, when you release too many feelings of being afraid, attacked, hurt, lost without a drop of hope left in a vast expanse of endless sand.
It's a very hard thing living a life with an easily penetrable pure heart.
It's like huddling under a tree in the woods, stark and exposed and cold, surrounded by a pack of wolves that haven't eaten in months. How does one arm themselves? How does one protect themselves so they are not eaten alive?
Has the damage been done? Is it irreversible? Has it been too many years and too many hurts? Am I beyond help to the cellular level?
02 February 2007
abandonment
when the times got tough, you left too.
not quite like he did.
but you might as well have.
we had our plan, you fought so intensly for
when things didn't turn out as you so carefully planned
you did what you do best.
under the guise of love and care
you left me before I could leave you.
I know the game, and you beat me at it.
I used to play it with guys who didn't matter.
but this is you and me mom,
the one parent I had left remember?
And now all I can ask is, who is this person that I thought I once knew?
not quite like he did.
but you might as well have.
we had our plan, you fought so intensly for
when things didn't turn out as you so carefully planned
you did what you do best.
under the guise of love and care
you left me before I could leave you.
I know the game, and you beat me at it.
I used to play it with guys who didn't matter.
but this is you and me mom,
the one parent I had left remember?
And now all I can ask is, who is this person that I thought I once knew?
Wellbutrin
Wellbutrin flow down my esophogus and make me happy. Flow past the abandonment and neglet of my mother and my father, lodged in my chest like a drum filled with lead. Flow past the regrets and the bad memories that stain my life and erase them from my abdomen, where they lay in my intestines and obstruct proper digestion. Flow past the shit that's been my life lately and right out into the toilet, where you quite possibly belong.
