the worrier

i worry worry worry
about my worry's worry's worry
i think about things that can and will and do go wrong
before they do and while they are and after the fact
i worry about thinking and worrying too much
i hope that all this thinking and worrying won't affect my health
i worry that the article i just read about that isn't true
i worry about where my next meal will come from
whether the rent check will bounce
if there will ever be a time where i am
doing more than just sliding on by
and actually making it
i worry that i will never make it
i worry that thoughts of never making it can, in fact, truly make it possible for you not to make it, just because you worried and had the thought that you couldn't

a fix?

i wanted the instant gratification that is you
because like all humans
i crave
am in search of
the quick fix
instantaneous relief
of something
that fills the void
of nothingness
but inside i know what this is
there is no chance for us
to be interminable
in my mind's eye
i can already see
the point where you and i
will part ways.

different hopes

we've slipped back down the slopes of time
right back to the place
we started

i loathe the power he wields over you
your father
can make your life blissful or miserable
all in one action
one word
one sentence

i want you to be happy
he wants you to live for his convenience

i encourage you to dream, and to live them

he's afraid of you doing anything other than what he knows

now is the time
be an adult
break free
claim your life
and live it

psysics.

hard body breakers
sustaining forces
experts on impact
to the body

what is the impact of a body?
today, not so much
if the body is mine.

break all the blocks.
and let the numbers do the rest
just don't become a victim
of the laws of physics

they say its your birthday.

a year has passed
and what has been gained?

time went by, and still
more pain

try and try
to keep a handle on the madness
and life throws something else into the mix

more.
sadness.

bursting bubbles

life, the love story
i once thought i loved
even just the thought
of being in love

prince charming
and happily
ever after
that bubble burst
when you walked out the door

like daddy did
as friends do
countless others
who play me for a fool

you opened my eyes that day
i grew up they say
but i miss those times
when the fairy tales
were mine.

a traveler's prayer

take delight in your flight
clasp, cuddle and embody the feeling
and wonder of the unknown

bask in the glory of new experiences
and take with you the help of those now a part of you

may your journey be everything you'd hoped
may your bliss be prolonged
and not contain any hints
of being adrift
or bewhildered.

if only

i felt his arm brush across my lower back
and for a moment i wished it was you

i smiled and laughed
like we could be doing together, if you were here now

i walked our walk
slow and easy
past the restaurants
we ate in together

then i sat in the park
where we sketched
that saturday

strolled past the cinema
i wish we had been able to frequent
more often

just before bed i put on the lotion
we once used to massage each other
each night, before we'd...

yes, today, i thought of you.

men

here i am, again
longing for your response
can i just get a response?

i am addicted to your attention

its not even what you say
its how you say it
and when
and with what frequency

answer too soon
and you're too needy

wait too long
you must be losing interest

i crave your approval
more than i care about how you approve.

to my husband.

you stole my soul
piece by piece
breaking me down
as man breaks the beast
there was almost nothing left
as you diligently chipped away
I was losing more of myself
in each passing day
no talking with my family
especially my friends
and heaven forbid,
something good were to happen
my feelings dismissed
my pain is not real
you could care less
how anyone else feels
it has affected me in ways
i could not comprehend
i am forever thankful
that it came to an end

stupid girl.

stupid, stupid girl
thats what you are
ignoring your intuition
fighting your inner voice
going by what they tell you
not knowing you have a choice

wasting a beautiful life
as time flies right on by
only to realize when its too late
that everything is a lie

wanting to know yourself
being scared of what you find
the contradictions run so deep
its as if you are blind

on your journey through this world
yet going no where and fast
trying to live, laugh and love
and veering off the path

friends with bene's.

out of place
not my place

i'm not your girlfriend,
she's out of town

and we're never going below,
the surface where you dwell

the only place we know:
that twin bed you sleep in when you're around

i am occupying my place
in the scheme of things:

here to satisfy
your indescriminate animal needs

you relocate my hands
undo my zipper

we're on your couch
going places we should not go

both knowing that we're wrong
we continue on

to each other,
and off with our clothes

omitted manifestations of transient yearning

through the guarded mist
a lofty tower
soaringly tall and erect standing dumbly
mute in the fog
it waits silently

limp and hollow as a soddenly bedraggled log
that lies alone in a creek bed
moving only for chilling frigid water, rushing water flowing right on by
yet creating motion liquid mushy motion shoving
lapping lazily or perhaps hastily licking the intricate edges of the organic bark
an insatiable thirst, no end in sight
gripping its mass, heaving it two and frow
where will it end up?
oblivion.
a riddle for only nature to solve.

on so many occasions,
i roamed the disturbed creek bed at night
past this lonely tower
captivation ensues, growing until it is swollen and ready to burst
i long to gorge this deceptive, filthy void.
the ghastly tower casts a shadow that carries an aura of mystery across the brandished sand,
shattered mainly by slippery pebbles and naughty wood branches that have seen better days

unquenchable wanderlust as my only companion
i am always searching with an obsessed, obstinate compulsion:
driving and drawing me here to fulfill this barren part of my SELF,
the unfortunate infaliable part i wish was not a portion of my composition.

and with each crest of the moon
on each of these disintegrated, arrogant evenings
what i pursue varies with every tiresome journey,
changing enormously each time my feet caress the jagged shores.
for each and every time,
a new craving walks by my side
an unwanted guest, that just won't get the hint...
shredding my feet like a paper kite being flown amidst a tornado

one enchanted evening
when the moon is full
and my heart can not bear the journey any longer, yearning for fullfillment to the point of complete insanity,
painfully swollen by unfulfilled hopes and dreams
finally unable to resist sucoming to the suductive woes of peace
i shall mount the elusive tower
ascend to conquer the greatness it has been imposing upon me,
savoring every last morsel that is the view,
grasping righteousness what it has been dangling in front of my face,
happily and unabashadly teasing me with all along...
the glaringly vast expanse from the greatest of heights
the answer to the questions about my questions questions
and i shall search, no more.

stained.

like the man whore at table four
shes only fifteen
and youre a dreadful bore

the crackberry clone
who sits alone
his world a piece
of plastic with buttons and chips

a gaggle of upper-middle class mothers
hover around table seven
too lost in their childrens lives to see
how they are fucking up the very kids
they strive so hard every day
not to fuck up
nothing to discuss, just summer camp.

the man on three, so plain to see
he drinks too much
lives too little
but i like him, he's quiet
and he tips a lot

newlyweds
at the bar
playing house
is anyone truly home?
reveling in the things
they aquire together
the money they make and the security they fake

your ego stains me, from across the room.

self torture

my soul aches

for the bewhildered masses
living in homes
surrounded by manicured grasses

but it burns and bleeds
for those in need
of food and water
a place to sleep

it's ripped apart
ravaged to pieces
for those
caught in war
neglect and famine

twenty something hindsight

a devious vail lies innocently across my eyes
leaves me drawn and quartered
hung out to dry
seeing infinitely complex things, others
the way i want them to be
simply
forgetting to take
the good with the bad
i end up only absorbing
that which i wish to be.

delicately grasping
these lies i tell myself
comfort in a unforgiving world

all the while
doing nothing
to soften the blow
like a mirror that once slipped
through my fingers
shattering
on the floor
a million little pieces

the truth is revealed
the rose colored glasses temporarily misplaced.
and once again
here i am
scrambling to fix
something that is so obviously
ruined beyond repair.
or simply, never was.

to r, with love.

are you a knave , or simply incohate about the rules of love?
our incipient feelings
end with asperity
i dont need your approbation
badly enough to tolerate this
banal treatment
yes i am impressionable
full of alacrity when it comes to love
and i know that if she finds out
you will not be able to impute this all upon me
and things will be...just plain ugly
you and i
both prigs
deserving of the flout
we shall both recieve

dont want you thinking, i'm unhappy

vent
bad dreams
make me wanna die
ghetto youth
sex drive
lyrics of fury
my evil is strong

dont panic
i know
caring is creepy

fair
blue eyes
one of these things first
a lebonese blonde
such great heights

let go
winding road
blister in the sun
every breath you take
dream on

every little thing she does, is magic.
overcome
pnoderosa
black steel
hell is round the corner

everything changes
especially when a face looks like yours.

this is my life
the devils right hand
fade
spinning away

meant to live
king of the road

i dont want to say goodbye
again

i will remember you
love of my life
sign o' the times
theives in a temple
diamonds and pearls

lets go crazy
uptown
humming
over
western eyes
when doves cry

cowboys
all mine
undenied

half day closing
humming
mourning air
seven months
soft and wet
pop life.
the perfect drug.

come rain or shine
she will be loved

(all of the lines in this poem are song titles)

poems for fathers day

I. black dress

i wore a black dress
long ago
on the day you chose to change
alter
my very being
before i knew
what you did

i arose from my bed
the morning before mourning
and somehow amidst the dash out the door
the black dress felt right
both times it was not what i had laid out
the night before.

i did it again
unconsciously, twice

today, so they tell me,
is fathers day.



II. (no title)

hollowed out
solidly
foul
moody girl
india ink dress
flutters amongst the pollen
downward she ducks
her sepia head
died.
permanently.
gone.

her mind tourturously replays
the day her hero had fallen
on the battlefield that was himself

and liquid eyes that reveal
the incessent depths of her sorrow,
hidden, yet submerged just underneath the surface

blue as the sky

beautiful girl
smart as a
whip cracked open just a bit

it doesnt just
ooze it
gushes loosely
and spurts and bursts
at times too much, too fast
and in all the wrong places

am i what you had hoped for?
for ever
and ever
you.
gone.
you.
a tidal wave that ripped through my life, leaving a wake
and grief.

III. dreamality

awake
from your slumber
dazed state
bleary confusion
muddled thoughts.
glazed,
hazy eyes
dulled
your soul,
each time.
and then you emerged
from the mist
amidst the reality
of your wildest dreams.
and your most unfathomable of nightmares:
feelings.

committmentphobe.

shamelessly
arrogant
like the ego you wear on your shoulder
like the mark of your employer
embellished upon your sleeve
that allows you to remain
committmentphobic there as well

go ahead
flaunt it
i dont want it

a child boy in a mans man skin yourself
i wish you would its
no skin off your back

you
had your way with me
but in the end i'll have my way with you too
we'll see whose heart is left
tattooed like my lower back
black ink permanence like death
the stamp of the whore
you took me for.

*update: this poem has been published in "Shouted Whispers", you can check it out set against a gorgeous background along with many other talented women artists at: www.shoutedwhisper.com

an awakening

tip toed faultered
she was once walking the beaten path
well worn by the successful hungry heathens
hungry for money and glory and fame

such a shame they think
for now she teeters on the faultline
shes creating her own path
the ground is shorn and torn

but she is reborn
and has fled the so called safety
of the enchanted forest
where the bewildered masses reside
and yet as time passes
and her life becomes beautiful and true
she still wonders to herself
like a little girl still following the wrong path
who will save me?

*update: this poem was chosen to be published in the next edition of "Shouted Whispers" and can be viewed along with other talented women and set to a background of gorgeous graphics at www.shoutedwhisper.com

life as we know it

the vigorous rigor
of daily city life
is juxtaposed
by the unique qualities
of an eager, vastly varied population
and the varietal shops, cafes,
endless
are the opportunities
and the laborious way
in which one goes about
the experience
that, is new york.

(untitled)

elusive glimpses of peace submersive in the vastness of my soul
you can find peace, it is always there, walking by your side
a silent partner
only if you let it be
looking through the lies
past
the palisade you have built
to protect what you hide
from the world
outside
if you are still
and listen
you will hear the voice
that lies within us all

it is beautiful and truer than anything you have known

let it sing
let it cry
your soul, shall fly.

let it flow

abhorently lived a girl who was masquesrading as a woman being performing as though she was wiser than her age her years pass getting older but oh, so young at heart playful like a child yet the innocence is all but lost upon the horizon that is life loss lost love horrible oh horrible experience the squandering of each important morsel of her soul every time she lets go all of it gone away until the unownable is owned and an untrustable world is never to be safe again untrusting even herself she builds walls are erected with every new lovers erection eroding away the beliefs the once recognizable shoreline has shifted changed swept away to sea with the tides of life gone for good are her beliefs her hopes and dreams but hope floats and her dreams ran away the day he let her down the day he decided to abandon her leave her to fend for herself in this great wide world like a sheep among the wolves wolves ravenous because they are the only ones left on this earth since we have destroyed each other with greed need anger hunger famine allowing evil to creep in seep through every available crack and overcome all that was once good and pure and right she lives wrong the only way she knows how so unsure of how and why and where and when its all appropriate this girl she crashes through like a storm rolling through wreaking havoc but still its fun to stand in the midst of the gusts of wind and torrential rain like the tears that fall from her cheeks when she thinks of him... frozen rain beating down upon your face slapping you cold wet alone dark wind surrounding making rough beastly love to everything it touches
but.... this too passes and the aftermath of the storm leaves everywhere sunlight breaching the darkest of the cloud edges like her head once breached her mothers birth canal into this world she was born and here i am
calamity clumsily fumbling with the last pieces of hope piecing together the complex puzzle that is the future taken of the past remembering what i wish i could forget and yet not allowing it to repeat. she prays.

under the guise of music.

lick the pack
snap track
slicked back
my blood runs black
eat the beat

repeat.

gimme all your money honey
life is such a whore

gimme all your money honey
i'll take it to the shore.

i am crazy, maybe
but i
am alive.

karaoke rockstars and sleep eludes the girl

thank you o roommate of mine for dragging me bard ass out to karaoke night
that sounds a bit sarcastic, but well i'm tired so it really brings out that side of me,,,

anyhow
i could not have improvised a more blowszy crowd if i had tried. hard.

there were a few people there that i wished were not so damn infaliable

i could have laquered a thousand boat decks with the egos in that room

everyone gallavanting about with their sexuality on display

shaking and writhing hoping to attract a lover and mate as the animals do

i felt as though i gave off an aura of aloof-ness

if that is even a word

but, i am finally to the point where i just dont care.

i had fun, watching you and the girl from vegas sing your songs and do your thihngs

are you, ready to ROCK???

i drank two beers

and now i have quite a headache

but all in all, it was worth the trip

around the corner and to the asylum

alas, for whence we shall return in less than a fornight.

there, i used all of my vocabulary words for the day in writing

goodnight eu'nuch ed ones. i can only wish some of you were

listen to your momma

momma
i listened to your advice today
oh wise woman of the times
beyond your years you reflect back on what these crazy situations mean to me

the best advice you gave me
was not to wait
why drag it out
why make it more painful?
if you can feel it coming
a job to an end
a relationship unstable

the most wisest thing you can do
is lay your cards on the table

call their bluff
release your worry
put this maddness
out with the day old curry

so i said fuck it
and out it came
i called it like it was
one and the same

the outcome is only for him to decide
but i'd rather it be this way
than weeks of waiting.. and defemation of pride

questions

what are we but fools
gold dust in the sahara specs of
light in the darkest abyss
a droplet of water
amongst the ocean leaves to
the wind in the fall
the last spec of hope floated
off down the river that dried up in
the summer drought.

what is joy without sorrow?
pleasure without pain?