I am at a crossroads.
Standing here, intermediary
I anxiuosly attempt to look down the nefarious road,
squinting my cobalt eyes forcefully,
attempting to see if I can sneak a little peek
towards the future, deplorably longing to know what lies ahead.
But there is no way to tell
the sly obdurate road is smothered in a blank, taunting fog
delicate enough to allow the onlooker to recognize the continuation and tenacity of the road
but purposefully coagulated and impenetrable to the human eye
revealing only
obscurity.
I am at a crossroads.
I look from side to side and the present besieges me
bored with this existence, the familiarity my comfort and my cage
I know I must move.
I am at a crossroads.
Behind me lies my past, the bitter ghost of who I was, inconsolably tagging along
No matter how far I walk down this aphotic road,
it is always there, a part of who I shall be.
It took me ten years of walking to learn that neither circumvention nor delusion
would shake it from me, I am not a snake molting dead skin.
Oh those were the years, running on down the road thinking I hadn't a single problem that could catch up to me...
What ignorantly blissful years those were.
I am at a crossroads.
Shall I run? That's my first instinct.
My mind says, do not think about fear of the unknown, just go for it!
Get it over with.
But no, I won't run.
I've learned that harsh lesson one too many times.
I am at a crossroads.
The only thing left to do...
walk eagerly ahead into the untold,
trust in the lessons I have learned on my journey
knowing that there's no way to tell what shall ensue,
just that I am going somewhere.
12 February 2007
08 February 2007
05 February 2007
mother
For as long as I can recall,
our relationship has been one of control and contrast.
When I do as you like, you are there to take care of me when I am ill, give me advice when I am lost, and comfort me when I'm lonely.
You help me to solve problems that my brain cannot grasp.
This always has to be on your terms. Until now I've followed the unspoken rules.
"Your way or the highway", as they say.
I am now on the highway, since I've veered off the path of what is acceptable to you, driving fast and taking chances.
And you hit me where it hurts the most, you're definitely an expert at it.
Just writing these words has started a war that I cannot win.
I do not believe in wars, or battles, or fights over control.
All of the love, caring, and support you gave me was withdrawn before I could grasp what had occurred. Like a slap in the face I realize that you have already executed your carefully planned attack to make me suffer for my perceived insolence.
I cannot play by your rules anymore, and the relationship we had is slipping away faster than the seconds can tick on the annoyingly loud clock in your kitchen.
It hurts, just as you intended, I feel the abandonment and loss.
Maybe it's for the best.
Trying to live by someone else's unbendable rules just to be allowed in their life is exhausting.
I am extremely exhausted.
our relationship has been one of control and contrast.
When I do as you like, you are there to take care of me when I am ill, give me advice when I am lost, and comfort me when I'm lonely.
You help me to solve problems that my brain cannot grasp.
This always has to be on your terms. Until now I've followed the unspoken rules.
"Your way or the highway", as they say.
I am now on the highway, since I've veered off the path of what is acceptable to you, driving fast and taking chances.
And you hit me where it hurts the most, you're definitely an expert at it.
Just writing these words has started a war that I cannot win.
I do not believe in wars, or battles, or fights over control.
All of the love, caring, and support you gave me was withdrawn before I could grasp what had occurred. Like a slap in the face I realize that you have already executed your carefully planned attack to make me suffer for my perceived insolence.
I cannot play by your rules anymore, and the relationship we had is slipping away faster than the seconds can tick on the annoyingly loud clock in your kitchen.
It hurts, just as you intended, I feel the abandonment and loss.
Maybe it's for the best.
Trying to live by someone else's unbendable rules just to be allowed in their life is exhausting.
I am extremely exhausted.
oh, pure heart
I have been told I am pure of heart,
and that I must protect myself from bad energy that can easily penetrate it
I've experienced this bad energy in many forms. Well meaning loved ones who sap the energy and love and hope out of me. Men who want nothing but my body. Playing the game of life and not following the rules because those I am playing against shall surely win if I do not. Going against my inner intuition and dealing with the consequences.
I have seen scientific evidence of what happens to your body when your are harmed too many times, when you release too many feelings of being afraid, attacked, hurt, lost without a drop of hope left in a vast expanse of endless sand.
It's a very hard thing living a life with an easily penetrable pure heart.
It's like huddling under a tree in the woods, stark and exposed and cold, surrounded by a pack of wolves that haven't eaten in months. How does one arm themselves? How does one protect themselves so they are not eaten alive?
Has the damage been done? Is it irreversible? Has it been too many years and too many hurts? Am I beyond help to the cellular level?
and that I must protect myself from bad energy that can easily penetrate it
I've experienced this bad energy in many forms. Well meaning loved ones who sap the energy and love and hope out of me. Men who want nothing but my body. Playing the game of life and not following the rules because those I am playing against shall surely win if I do not. Going against my inner intuition and dealing with the consequences.
I have seen scientific evidence of what happens to your body when your are harmed too many times, when you release too many feelings of being afraid, attacked, hurt, lost without a drop of hope left in a vast expanse of endless sand.
It's a very hard thing living a life with an easily penetrable pure heart.
It's like huddling under a tree in the woods, stark and exposed and cold, surrounded by a pack of wolves that haven't eaten in months. How does one arm themselves? How does one protect themselves so they are not eaten alive?
Has the damage been done? Is it irreversible? Has it been too many years and too many hurts? Am I beyond help to the cellular level?
02 February 2007
abandonment
when the times got tough, you left too.
not quite like he did.
but you might as well have.
we had our plan, you fought so intensly for
when things didn't turn out as you so carefully planned
you did what you do best.
under the guise of love and care
you left me before I could leave you.
I know the game, and you beat me at it.
I used to play it with guys who didn't matter.
but this is you and me mom,
the one parent I had left remember?
And now all I can ask is, who is this person that I thought I once knew?
not quite like he did.
but you might as well have.
we had our plan, you fought so intensly for
when things didn't turn out as you so carefully planned
you did what you do best.
under the guise of love and care
you left me before I could leave you.
I know the game, and you beat me at it.
I used to play it with guys who didn't matter.
but this is you and me mom,
the one parent I had left remember?
And now all I can ask is, who is this person that I thought I once knew?
Wellbutrin
Wellbutrin flow down my esophogus and make me happy. Flow past the abandonment and neglet of my mother and my father, lodged in my chest like a drum filled with lead. Flow past the regrets and the bad memories that stain my life and erase them from my abdomen, where they lay in my intestines and obstruct proper digestion. Flow past the shit that's been my life lately and right out into the toilet, where you quite possibly belong.
01 January 2007
because you're already gone...
i don't understand.
this was supposed to be a better year than last
we were reconciling
counseling
the works
i thought, you and me
"we..."
were making progress,
together.
but in reality
i was moving in one direction
and you, the other.
we went out tonight
i stood in the same spot on the dance floor
and waited for you all night, alone.
somehow, you waited for me and we missed out on that connection and now,
what's left....
nothing.
you, angry with me
and no explanation
i will ask, because i care. more than you can ever know.
why? what is it?
because with you, you are the ONE person that was worth it to me.
anyone else can walk out of my life and it wouldn't hurt, i'd be prepared
thanks to my daddy
you, the one person i would push to ask why? whats wrong? why would you want to leave me?
and somehow, i am willing to endure
an umbrella being thrown, at my head,
you leaving us all behind
to forge your way
the slap in the face i got,
when i opened our bedroom door.
just wanting to talk, to understand what's wrong, to talk with you.
the way you grabbed my arm,
just hard enough
so it will bruise
and i saw the end of my life tonight,
cowering in a corner by my dresser
when you raised this laptop above your head in rage
after my cell phone completed it's journey,
out of your hand and across the room
hitting the wall just loud enough to wake the neighbors and be embarrassing
but just far enough away from me that i will stay,
with you
since i can endure
so much
anything, really
but the one thing i should not have to endure again, please not this.
abandonment.
it would have hurt less,
if you'd let that laptop down upon my head
and left me for dead.
now you've let me know, you just confessed
you are already gone.
to california with your father.
where you'll be happy, and i will eventually find someone better
you fucking idiot.
you've got me.
my heart, all of it and there's room for no one else
and it's being thrown away
there is no way in the world for me to make you realize that
i am with you because i want to be, i chose to be
not because i had to be.
its hard for me to know that you cannot grasp that concept
and tiring for me to continually
try to reassure you.
so now i count the days...
and know that even if i continue to give it my best shot
even if we go to counseling and act as though we are working on "us"
you, as they say in that song "Viennna"
"are already gone..........................."
"there's really no way to reach you,
you're
alreaaaadddyy
gone."
and there's nothing holding you back, is there?
you were gone before i even had a chance.
or a hint that you'd thought it was best
and how many days, until you go?
either way, you've decided to hate me, for some reason you cannot express verbally
i sound like such a victim
but really i just feel as though i've been blind sighted
with the worst pain and fear of my life.
last year, January, began with a car crash,
my aunt's life gone.
i had prayed that somehow, someway, this year would be different.
obviously, no matter how you try or what you plan,
life just doesn't give you much say in the matter.
SAD BUT TRUE RIGHT NOW... The lyrics....FUCK
The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well
There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone
Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness
There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone
Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face
There's really no way to reach me (x2)
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...
So this is your maverick
This is Vienna
this was supposed to be a better year than last
we were reconciling
counseling
the works
i thought, you and me
"we..."
were making progress,
together.
but in reality
i was moving in one direction
and you, the other.
we went out tonight
i stood in the same spot on the dance floor
and waited for you all night, alone.
somehow, you waited for me and we missed out on that connection and now,
what's left....
nothing.
you, angry with me
and no explanation
i will ask, because i care. more than you can ever know.
why? what is it?
because with you, you are the ONE person that was worth it to me.
anyone else can walk out of my life and it wouldn't hurt, i'd be prepared
thanks to my daddy
you, the one person i would push to ask why? whats wrong? why would you want to leave me?
and somehow, i am willing to endure
an umbrella being thrown, at my head,
you leaving us all behind
to forge your way
the slap in the face i got,
when i opened our bedroom door.
just wanting to talk, to understand what's wrong, to talk with you.
the way you grabbed my arm,
just hard enough
so it will bruise
and i saw the end of my life tonight,
cowering in a corner by my dresser
when you raised this laptop above your head in rage
after my cell phone completed it's journey,
out of your hand and across the room
hitting the wall just loud enough to wake the neighbors and be embarrassing
but just far enough away from me that i will stay,
with you
since i can endure
so much
anything, really
but the one thing i should not have to endure again, please not this.
abandonment.
it would have hurt less,
if you'd let that laptop down upon my head
and left me for dead.
now you've let me know, you just confessed
you are already gone.
to california with your father.
where you'll be happy, and i will eventually find someone better
you fucking idiot.
you've got me.
my heart, all of it and there's room for no one else
and it's being thrown away
there is no way in the world for me to make you realize that
i am with you because i want to be, i chose to be
not because i had to be.
its hard for me to know that you cannot grasp that concept
and tiring for me to continually
try to reassure you.
so now i count the days...
and know that even if i continue to give it my best shot
even if we go to counseling and act as though we are working on "us"
you, as they say in that song "Viennna"
"are already gone..........................."
"there's really no way to reach you,
you're
alreaaaadddyy
gone."
and there's nothing holding you back, is there?
you were gone before i even had a chance.
or a hint that you'd thought it was best
and how many days, until you go?
either way, you've decided to hate me, for some reason you cannot express verbally
i sound like such a victim
but really i just feel as though i've been blind sighted
with the worst pain and fear of my life.
last year, January, began with a car crash,
my aunt's life gone.
i had prayed that somehow, someway, this year would be different.
obviously, no matter how you try or what you plan,
life just doesn't give you much say in the matter.
SAD BUT TRUE RIGHT NOW... The lyrics....FUCK
The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well
There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone
Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness
There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone
Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face
There's really no way to reach me (x2)
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...
So this is your maverick
This is Vienna
29 December 2006
the worrier
i worry worry worry
about my worry's worry's worry
i think about things that can and will and do go wrong
before they do and while they are and after the fact
i worry about thinking and worrying too much
i hope that all this thinking and worrying won't affect my health
i worry that the article i just read about that isn't true
i worry about where my next meal will come from
whether the rent check will bounce
if there will ever be a time where i am
doing more than just sliding on by
and actually making it
i worry that i will never make it
i worry that thoughts of never making it can, in fact, truly make it possible for you not to make it, just because you worried and had the thought that you couldn't
about my worry's worry's worry
i think about things that can and will and do go wrong
before they do and while they are and after the fact
i worry about thinking and worrying too much
i hope that all this thinking and worrying won't affect my health
i worry that the article i just read about that isn't true
i worry about where my next meal will come from
whether the rent check will bounce
if there will ever be a time where i am
doing more than just sliding on by
and actually making it
i worry that i will never make it
i worry that thoughts of never making it can, in fact, truly make it possible for you not to make it, just because you worried and had the thought that you couldn't
28 December 2006
a fix?
i wanted the instant gratification that is you
because like all humans
i crave
am in search of
the quick fix
instantaneous relief
of something
that fills the void
of nothingness
but inside i know what this is
there is no chance for us
to be interminable
in my mind's eye
i can already see
the point where you and i
will part ways.
because like all humans
i crave
am in search of
the quick fix
instantaneous relief
of something
that fills the void
of nothingness
but inside i know what this is
there is no chance for us
to be interminable
in my mind's eye
i can already see
the point where you and i
will part ways.
20 December 2006
different hopes
we've slipped back down the slopes of time
right back to the place
we started
i loathe the power he wields over you
your father
can make your life blissful or miserable
all in one action
one word
one sentence
i want you to be happy
he wants you to live for his convenience
i encourage you to dream, and to live them
he's afraid of you doing anything other than what he knows
now is the time
be an adult
break free
claim your life
and live it
right back to the place
we started
i loathe the power he wields over you
your father
can make your life blissful or miserable
all in one action
one word
one sentence
i want you to be happy
he wants you to live for his convenience
i encourage you to dream, and to live them
he's afraid of you doing anything other than what he knows
now is the time
be an adult
break free
claim your life
and live it
18 December 2006
psysics.
hard body breakers
sustaining forces
experts on impact
to the body
what is the impact of a body?
today, not so much
if the body is mine.
break all the blocks.
and let the numbers do the rest
just don't become a victim
of the laws of physics
sustaining forces
experts on impact
to the body
what is the impact of a body?
today, not so much
if the body is mine.
break all the blocks.
and let the numbers do the rest
just don't become a victim
of the laws of physics
they say its your birthday.
a year has passed
and what has been gained?
time went by, and still
more pain
try and try
to keep a handle on the madness
and life throws something else into the mix
more.
sadness.
and what has been gained?
time went by, and still
more pain
try and try
to keep a handle on the madness
and life throws something else into the mix
more.
sadness.
bursting bubbles
life, the love story
i once thought i loved
even just the thought
of being in love
prince charming
and happily
ever after
that bubble burst
when you walked out the door
like daddy did
as friends do
countless others
who play me for a fool
you opened my eyes that day
i grew up they say
but i miss those times
when the fairy tales
were mine.
i once thought i loved
even just the thought
of being in love
prince charming
and happily
ever after
that bubble burst
when you walked out the door
like daddy did
as friends do
countless others
who play me for a fool
you opened my eyes that day
i grew up they say
but i miss those times
when the fairy tales
were mine.
30 September 2006
a traveler's prayer
take delight in your flight
clasp, cuddle and embody the feeling
and wonder of the unknown
bask in the glory of new experiences
and take with you the help of those now a part of you
may your journey be everything you'd hoped
may your bliss be prolonged
and not contain any hints
of being adrift
or bewhildered.
clasp, cuddle and embody the feeling
and wonder of the unknown
bask in the glory of new experiences
and take with you the help of those now a part of you
may your journey be everything you'd hoped
may your bliss be prolonged
and not contain any hints
of being adrift
or bewhildered.
10 September 2006
if only
i felt his arm brush across my lower back
and for a moment i wished it was you
i smiled and laughed
like we could be doing together, if you were here now
i walked our walk
slow and easy
past the restaurants
we ate in together
then i sat in the park
where we sketched
that saturday
strolled past the cinema
i wish we had been able to frequent
more often
just before bed i put on the lotion
we once used to massage each other
each night, before we'd...
yes, today, i thought of you.
and for a moment i wished it was you
i smiled and laughed
like we could be doing together, if you were here now
i walked our walk
slow and easy
past the restaurants
we ate in together
then i sat in the park
where we sketched
that saturday
strolled past the cinema
i wish we had been able to frequent
more often
just before bed i put on the lotion
we once used to massage each other
each night, before we'd...
yes, today, i thought of you.
men
here i am, again
longing for your response
can i just get a response?
i am addicted to your attention
its not even what you say
its how you say it
and when
and with what frequency
answer too soon
and you're too needy
wait too long
you must be losing interest
i crave your approval
more than i care about how you approve.
longing for your response
can i just get a response?
i am addicted to your attention
its not even what you say
its how you say it
and when
and with what frequency
answer too soon
and you're too needy
wait too long
you must be losing interest
i crave your approval
more than i care about how you approve.
17 August 2006
to my husband.
you stole my soul
piece by piece
breaking me down
as man breaks the beast
there was almost nothing left
as you diligently chipped away
I was losing more of myself
in each passing day
no talking with my family
especially my friends
and heaven forbid,
something good were to happen
my feelings dismissed
my pain is not real
you could care less
how anyone else feels
it has affected me in ways
i could not comprehend
i am forever thankful
that it came to an end
piece by piece
breaking me down
as man breaks the beast
there was almost nothing left
as you diligently chipped away
I was losing more of myself
in each passing day
no talking with my family
especially my friends
and heaven forbid,
something good were to happen
my feelings dismissed
my pain is not real
you could care less
how anyone else feels
it has affected me in ways
i could not comprehend
i am forever thankful
that it came to an end
stupid girl.
stupid, stupid girl
thats what you are
ignoring your intuition
fighting your inner voice
going by what they tell you
not knowing you have a choice
wasting a beautiful life
as time flies right on by
only to realize when its too late
that everything is a lie
wanting to know yourself
being scared of what you find
the contradictions run so deep
its as if you are blind
on your journey through this world
yet going no where and fast
trying to live, laugh and love
and veering off the path
thats what you are
ignoring your intuition
fighting your inner voice
going by what they tell you
not knowing you have a choice
wasting a beautiful life
as time flies right on by
only to realize when its too late
that everything is a lie
wanting to know yourself
being scared of what you find
the contradictions run so deep
its as if you are blind
on your journey through this world
yet going no where and fast
trying to live, laugh and love
and veering off the path
friends with bene's.
out of place
not my place
i'm not your girlfriend,
she's out of town
and we're never going below,
the surface where you dwell
the only place we know:
that twin bed you sleep in when you're around
i am occupying my place
in the scheme of things:
here to satisfy
your indescriminate animal needs
you relocate my hands
undo my zipper
we're on your couch
going places we should not go
both knowing that we're wrong
we continue on
to each other,
and off with our clothes
not my place
i'm not your girlfriend,
she's out of town
and we're never going below,
the surface where you dwell
the only place we know:
that twin bed you sleep in when you're around
i am occupying my place
in the scheme of things:
here to satisfy
your indescriminate animal needs
you relocate my hands
undo my zipper
we're on your couch
going places we should not go
both knowing that we're wrong
we continue on
to each other,
and off with our clothes
omitted manifestations of transient yearning
through the guarded mist
a lofty tower
soaringly tall and erect standing dumbly
mute in the fog
it waits silently
limp and hollow as a soddenly bedraggled log
that lies alone in a creek bed
moving only for chilling frigid water, rushing water flowing right on by
yet creating motion liquid mushy motion shoving
lapping lazily or perhaps hastily licking the intricate edges of the organic bark
an insatiable thirst, no end in sight
gripping its mass, heaving it two and frow
where will it end up?
oblivion.
a riddle for only nature to solve.
on so many occasions,
i roamed the disturbed creek bed at night
past this lonely tower
captivation ensues, growing until it is swollen and ready to burst
i long to gorge this deceptive, filthy void.
the ghastly tower casts a shadow that carries an aura of mystery across the brandished sand,
shattered mainly by slippery pebbles and naughty wood branches that have seen better days
unquenchable wanderlust as my only companion
i am always searching with an obsessed, obstinate compulsion:
driving and drawing me here to fulfill this barren part of my SELF,
the unfortunate infaliable part i wish was not a portion of my composition.
and with each crest of the moon
on each of these disintegrated, arrogant evenings
what i pursue varies with every tiresome journey,
changing enormously each time my feet caress the jagged shores.
for each and every time,
a new craving walks by my side
an unwanted guest, that just won't get the hint...
shredding my feet like a paper kite being flown amidst a tornado
one enchanted evening
when the moon is full
and my heart can not bear the journey any longer, yearning for fullfillment to the point of complete insanity,
painfully swollen by unfulfilled hopes and dreams
finally unable to resist sucoming to the suductive woes of peace
i shall mount the elusive tower
ascend to conquer the greatness it has been imposing upon me,
savoring every last morsel that is the view,
grasping righteousness what it has been dangling in front of my face,
happily and unabashadly teasing me with all along...
the glaringly vast expanse from the greatest of heights
the answer to the questions about my questions questions
and i shall search, no more.
a lofty tower
soaringly tall and erect standing dumbly
mute in the fog
it waits silently
limp and hollow as a soddenly bedraggled log
that lies alone in a creek bed
moving only for chilling frigid water, rushing water flowing right on by
yet creating motion liquid mushy motion shoving
lapping lazily or perhaps hastily licking the intricate edges of the organic bark
an insatiable thirst, no end in sight
gripping its mass, heaving it two and frow
where will it end up?
oblivion.
a riddle for only nature to solve.
on so many occasions,
i roamed the disturbed creek bed at night
past this lonely tower
captivation ensues, growing until it is swollen and ready to burst
i long to gorge this deceptive, filthy void.
the ghastly tower casts a shadow that carries an aura of mystery across the brandished sand,
shattered mainly by slippery pebbles and naughty wood branches that have seen better days
unquenchable wanderlust as my only companion
i am always searching with an obsessed, obstinate compulsion:
driving and drawing me here to fulfill this barren part of my SELF,
the unfortunate infaliable part i wish was not a portion of my composition.
and with each crest of the moon
on each of these disintegrated, arrogant evenings
what i pursue varies with every tiresome journey,
changing enormously each time my feet caress the jagged shores.
for each and every time,
a new craving walks by my side
an unwanted guest, that just won't get the hint...
shredding my feet like a paper kite being flown amidst a tornado
one enchanted evening
when the moon is full
and my heart can not bear the journey any longer, yearning for fullfillment to the point of complete insanity,
painfully swollen by unfulfilled hopes and dreams
finally unable to resist sucoming to the suductive woes of peace
i shall mount the elusive tower
ascend to conquer the greatness it has been imposing upon me,
savoring every last morsel that is the view,
grasping righteousness what it has been dangling in front of my face,
happily and unabashadly teasing me with all along...
the glaringly vast expanse from the greatest of heights
the answer to the questions about my questions questions
and i shall search, no more.
